Most people know what burnout is, where you've given everything you've got for too long and eventually find that your soul is empty. That's where I'm at right now, writing this from a hotel room in Palmerston North.
Stevie (my husband) is here for work, and boy is he working. We had a sweet 7 minutes to talk yesterday but that's okay, I am grateful for the time out on my own to just be still. No real obligations, places to be or people to see, I can just be and focus on replenishing the tanks.
To be honest, I feel like starting my business has been the hardest thing I've ever done, but when you have personal issues too (like needed to end my friendship with my best friend recently), it makes the hard things even harder. I am a Photographer, but I also have to learn how to be in business, and that's the hardest bit. Putting myself out there makes me incredible vulnerable, and sometimes I wonder if I am cut out for it being so sensitive. The thing is, deep down I know with 100% certainty that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Showing people themselves through untainted eyes is not something I could ever get sick of. When I was the last person to photograph someone before they passed away and they look like themselves in that photograph.. that's powerful. But, I'm human, and I worry about things way too much. I worry that I'm not good enough, I feel like a failure sometimes, and I worry about the future.
Today I realised that being seen is not a bad thing at all. I ask each of my clients to trust me to see them each time that they are in front of my camera. They trust me to see them exactly as they are and capture it, and now I am trusting you to do the same for me. I am going to let you see me, through the highs and lows, the celebrations and the lessons. I am a believer in pushing through difficult things, ripping off the band aid, and so I am going to share a personal blog post with you every week. Now I've told you, I have some accountability.
I am experiencing growing pains, where I haven't caught up with all the growth quite yet so in the meantime it's uncomfortable. I'm exhausted on all fronts, but I want connections, relationships, and realness so here I am friends!
Lots of love, Monica